A Family of Pretentious Planners
“So what’s your plan?” is something I hear over and over from my parents when I go home, and it causes me a lot of anxiety because the truth is, I don't really have one. I shouldn’t say I don’t have a plan, because it is not like I am Phoebe from friends who “doesn’t even have a pla”, but my parents expect me to know exactly where I will be in three to five years from now, and exactly how I am going to get there.
My parents never went to college, so they have always emphasized the fact that they do not think it is that hard and it is just like high school; a place you take classes, graduate from, and they expect me to have a guaranteed job coming out of it. My dad audibly laughed at the fact that I was an English major with the hopes of being an English teacher, so even if I did have a five year plan laid out, it would not be up to his standards. When I made the decision to transfer to Umass, resulting in it being necessary for me to take a semester off, the one thing my dad said about it was, “you know, people who take even a semester off usually don’t go back.” I wouldn’t say my parents aren’t supportive of me and my education journey because I know that is far from the truth, but their way of showing their support is…unique.
The semester I took off ended up being the absolute best decision for me, because I spent my time saving money, working a full time job, working on myself, and ultimately, working towards what I wanted my future-self to look like as well. Although my semester off ended up being nothing but a positive experience for me, the anxiety I felt when I saw everyone moving back onto campus at the end of August, starting classes, and going out on the weekends was a feeling I would not even wish on my worst enemy. I felt like I made a mistake in my decision to transfer and take a semester off, and wished I could undo my decision and return to what felt comfortable. Fast forward to May of 2021, the end of my first semester at Umass, my name was on the Dean’s list. I had finally committed to the field of teaching, and I was more than ecstatic to continue my last year of undergraduate on campus at Umass.
I am not sure how it is possible, but I am both a person who always needs some type of plan equally as much as I am a person who doesn’t really plan things. When it comes to day to day, I usually always create a plan in my head of what I want to do that day (outside of my mandatory obligations), and if the plan is slightly altered, I get easily stressed out about it. However, when I was younger and I started thinking about my future and what I was passionate about, I had an array of career fields I saw myself going into. I thought about being a lawyer, a therapist, a dermatologist, even a veterinarian, but those were all fields that required extensive schooling, and money, so my parents were not extremely encouraging towards any of those career paths; ultimately causing me to give up on those dreams before I even had the chance to pursue them. Up until I was a junior in college, I did not feel like the ‘Major’ or career field I wanted to pursue was the right choice and yet, it never really stressed me out not having my future planned, because I knew I would figure it out as it came.
I have always done well in school, but in saying that, I would not say that I particularly liked school, so I find it kind of ironic that I am setting myself up to be in a classroom for the rest of my life. I have an older sister, who is only two years older than I am, but she is someone I have always looked up to, and if I had to disappoint either my sister or my parents, I truthfully would rather disappoint my parents. My sister has had her life planned out since she was a junior in high school, and for the most part, she has followed her plan almost exactly, and happily. She is less than two years away from becoming a licensed Physical Therapist, and the passion she has for it is something that you can see shining through her. However, she told me recently that she regretted her decision of going to graduate school directly following her undergraduate education, and as well as she is doing, I can tell she has also struggled greatly. I do not find joy in the fact that my sister second-guessed her choices and did not have a necessarily easy time throughout college, but I do find comfort in it, because it puts into perspective that even the people you assume have it all figured out, usually don’t.
Talking to my friends from high school, or even just listening to my classmates talk about their future and life after college, I realize that with a few exceptions, no one really knows exactly what they’re doing. I am beyond content with the path I am taking and the pace I am going, and I strongly believe that my younger-self would be more than proud with the career I chose as well. I am not exactly sure what the future will look like for me in five years from now, or even one year from now, but I am sure of the fact that no matter what the not-so-near future looks like for me, I will be proud of it and all it took to get there.